Morning meltdown

This morning my daughter woke up in her usual happy mood. “Good morning mommy”, I take her out of bed, change her diaper and say that we can go snuggle in bed today because daddy is already at work. Then, while I’m getting her morning bowl of Cheerios and granola bar, she started whining. I honestly don’t even remember why, I couldn’t even understand what she was saying. This has started to become a normal thing with her. Later on she wanted to help put some snacks in her bowl, instead of asking, she whined, like aggressively, having a fit on the floor because I didn’t understand her whining meant, “hey mom can I help?” This is all before I’ve had any coffee, and this morning, of course, I feel particularly run down.

People keep telling me its her age, and I get that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I try to be calm and tell her to be calm and just to ask for what she wants, but most of the time it doesn’t work. Is there anything I can actually do to help change this behaviour? Even though this morning wasnt as bad as it has been, I feel particularly desperate today. I know she’s only 2 and half and she doesn’t understand, and its a struggle for her to communicate what she needs all the time. I’m sure the solution is just me being more patient and understanding, but I still felt like reaching out, whether anyone responds or not, it’s just nice to get it out there.

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New Year, same old goals

I’ve always like the idea of setting goals in the new year. Nothing crazy, just something to challenge yourself. Before I had my daughter I use to be able to crush my resolutions, even did sober January every year. Id be lucky to do sober Tuesday now. Although I didn’t drink for 9 months, so that means I’m good for 9 years right?

Now I can’t set or accomplish a goal to save my life. I wrote down the same things I did last year, because I have yet to accomplish them. I even thought I set realistic expectations for myself. I feel like I’m already in a slump this year(8 days in), I havent even attempted any. Wait that’s a lie, I read one night before bed. One of my new, but old goals is to read all the books I bought 2 years ago on my birthday. It was only 7, and I love reading, it’s just getting me to do it. I get all cozy on the couch, watching all the seasons of Greys anatomy for the 15th time(no really) when what I need to do is just take the last hour of my night and read.

I cannot understand for the life of me where my motivation has gone. I am constantly frustrated and disappointed with myself. So maybe if I share with you my goals and progress, I will actually accomplish something.

1.  Finish the 3 books I have left and read 2 more.

2. Workout at home 3 times a week.

3. Eat almost immediately after waking up.

4. Be in bed by at least 12 every night

5. Be more present with my daughter

6. Cook more

7. Make an effort to make friends

8. Write one blog post a week

Ok, well these most likely seem silly to you, and there is so many more things I want to do but I’m going to start with this. I wish you all luck with your goals/resolutions and hope this year is better than the last.

The Bachelor

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My biggest guilty pleasure is The bachelor and anything related. I love the show, turns me into a giddy little school girl. I watched Arie on Emily’s season, and unlike the popular vote, he was not my favourite. I just watched the first episode and so far I liked him, and I’m excited for him. Now let’s get to the good stuff, the girls.

Chelsea: So I actually took some brief notes as watching and I think my notes about Chelsea were the most interesting…Chelsea-single mom seems normal, seemed creepy at her intro, seems jealous, so weird(Olivia), aggressive, went twice, first impression rose. How much did that change?!?! Seems normal to weird, creepy and aggressive! Ok so I feel like I have to give her the benefit of the doubt because she’s a mom, but no. There have been several moms on the show who didn’t rub people the wrong way night 1. I also think it is important to tell the bachelor/bachelorette if you are a parent right off the bat. It’s the most important part of your life, and from what I’ve seen, they usually respect that so much, that the second they know it’s not right, they send you home to your child. 

appreciate that, but to each their own.   

To me, so far, this woman seems like she riding the crazy train.

Caroline: Not too much to say so far, she seems normal, she’s beautiful, and as of week one, she’s in my TOP 4. I get a Kate Beckinsdale vibe from her.

Maquel: She is, first of all obviously gorgeous. I get a bit a Corinne vibe from her, if you can’t tell yet I always find someone who reminds of the person im talking about, actually drives me nuts. Her age, 23…I dont have a good feeling about that. We obviously live in world where age shouldnt, and most of the time doesn’t matter, but 13 years is aggressive. My husband is 8 and a half years younger than me and it works, but we have to work at it. It’s not easy, and if your maturity level isn’t close, it’s not happening. I for sure feel a bit of a crazy vibe from her. Time will tell.

Tia: I heard about her from Ravens Instagram first, and that already made me like her. I love Raven, so I feel if she approves, then Tia will be a good fit. I did like her on the show too, except for that god awful wiener joke! Besides the joke she is beautiful and has good vibe, so for now she is in my TOP 4.

Kendall: Kendall is beautiful, seems carefree and smart. Her taxidermy collection is a little frightening to me, but hey I’m not that one dating her. She said something that really stuck with me..”If you can find love on tinder or other dating apps, you can find it here.” I find people shit on this show so often they don’t think of the reality. People meet, date, get engaged and break up all the time in real life, so why when it happens on a tv show, where there is so much more pressure, is it so unbelievable. Girl, you just got bonus points in my book.

Bekah: This girl is 110% straight crazy. Like I’m calling it right now, something is not right. I heard there a lot of controversy around her age, and unwillingness to disclose. This leads me to believe she is 20, at best. which is a 16 year difference!!! Come on people! This makes me wonder why the producers chose her if the first place…drama? Is he into the young girls and we didn’t know. I cant wait to find out.

Marikh: Ok, I get a Kim Kardashian vibe from her, which I’m not hating, just my initial impression. Shes beautiful and obviously very into taking good care of herself. I love that she owns a restaurant with her mom, shows she’s responsible, can cook and is close to her family. She did say she is use to the one being pursued though, and wasnt sure how she was going to handle this type of situation, Right now, I feel a bit of a crazy vibe, but I feel and hope she will be the one to change my mind.

Krystal: This girl seems like a freaking saint. Her whole story about her brother, and why she now feeds the homeless killed me. I loved her the whole episode, she was sweet, didnt rub anyone the wrong way, a lot of potential. However I did see the trailer for future episodes, and I’m worried about my girl. Could be bad editing, happens all the time. I’m not going to worry yet, crazy or not, she makes it in my TOP 4.

Annalise: Kissing bandit girl is cute. Why people need to hate on the girls in costume is beyond me, but I am glad it didn’t last long. When she talked to Arie she seemed sweet, real and genuine. She rounds out my TOP 4.

That is that for this week. Not too much else crazy happened, I mean there was the girl who asked Arie to smell her armpits, but she didn’t make it past the first night. Cant wait for next week and all the crazy it will bring.

XOXO

Target…Alone

I always saw all these memes and posts about how glorious it is to go to Target alone, but I never understood. I liked going with my daughter. Keyword, LIKED.  Then she turned 2.  I always tried to time it out with nap time, which usually worked out great. Takes me 20 minutes to walk to Target, she would fall asleep about 10 minutes in and I would have at least an hour to shop. Even then when she woke up she was happy, as long as I had snacks for her.

Then she turned 2. Naps were(still are) more difficult, she wants to walk around and touch everything, and snacks just don’t do the trick anymore. So I started going when she was sleeping and my husband was home. I can just wander, take my time, its great. Especially for an obsessive saver like me, I can use my cartwheel app on everything, take the time to check Ibotta to see whats on there, and browse clearance sections. Which, I admit is a little dangerous. I found myself in the Christmas section last night wanting to stock up on everything for next year, including Christmas pajamas for my daughter. Oh boy.

Moral of the story, I finally get it, which has happened to me a lot throughout my daughters 2 and a half years of life. Like when I saw moms complain about nap time and I didn’t get it because my kid was great at going for nap time. Well that’s a whole other story. Being in Target alone last night made me realize one thing was missing, wine. Yes, I know they sell wine but why wasnt I drinking it?! Wouldnt it be wonderful if Target put on a moms only shopping night and had snacks and wine stations all throughout the store?! Oh what a dream. For now I will settle for wine in my coffee thermos.

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Let’s call this…6 days into the terrible twos 

Wow.

 No really, wow. At the end of my day with my recently 2 year old daughter, I opened the spout on my box wine, and poured it in my mouth. No joke. It’s on Instagram if no one believes me. I’m not entirely sure if the day was even that bad, but boy did it get to me. My daughter Aria may just in fact have a hearing deficit. She may not hear me when I say no. She may not hear me when I say don’t spit your food on the floor, or on me. She may not even here when I tell her to stop sitting on my head. How comfortable could that actually be? So maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on her. Possibly I shouldn’t have rage popped all her birthday balloons. So maybe I should just take her for a checkup, on my way to the boat. The boat being a cruise ship, which I will go on, alone. I always think I don’t need any alone time, but I think, no I know I’m wrong. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter goes to bed at 730 every night. So I get plenty of alone time while my husband is at work. Sitting at home watching the same show on tv, or some crappy movie while eating my weight in junk food is not cutting it anymore. I have recently found a few options for babysitters, so please tell me what you do to unwind or rejuvenate. While you think about that, enjoy this snaps from my day 😊. 

 #momlife #mommyproblems #toddlerlife 

The big day

At 2:30am on July 7 my contractions started. For awhile I wasn’t exactly sure that’s what was happening. Being my first time and all I was lost. I started getting lower back pain that was more painful then usual. I had done a lot of walking and sitting in an uncomfortable position that day, so I thought maybe it’s just a normal back ache. My contractions were also so sparatic that I didn’t think it could be labour. My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, but at the point it wasn’t too bad yet, and I had to finish watching the bachelorette. By about 8am I knew I was without a doubt having contractions and was ready for some pain meds. We went to the hospital and hours later, literally, I finally got some morphine. After hours of trying laughing gas, which for me did absolutely nothing. I was examined and only 2cm dilated and sent home. They told me to come back in 4 hours, that’s how long it would take for the morphine to wear off. Well, in my case that was not true. It lasted about an hour before I was at home screaming in pain with my contractions now a minute apart. My sister thank god was by side holding my hand. She told my mom and boyfriend that I wanted to go back to the hospital. They figured this was probably normal, but called the doctor to check. Well he didn’t call back soon enough for me. I knew it was not normal, especially when I could actually feel her head. So we went back to the hospital and sure enough I was 10cm dilated and ready to go. Which meant no drugs… I was horrified by this, I even asked for a c-section. Which of course they basically laughed at me for. I was terrified to push without an epidural, so was my family. I have an incredibly low pain tolerance, which usually leads me to fainting from pain I can’t handle. I was sure I would faint while pushing. The only thing I could think about was, the faster I do this, the faster the pain will be over. About half an hour of pushing later(yes I know I’m lucky) my beautiful daughter was finally here. The love I immediately felt for her was something I didn’t know existed. Now that being said, yes I would do it all over again to have her, but I would not do it again. I am quite happy and content just having one baby.

Now you may wonder why I would write this, like why should anyone be interested in my life. I wrote it because I believe mothers should be able to openly talk about the not so great parts of becoming a mother. I don’t feel ashamed to say I hated being pregnant or that I hated labour, but can anyone actually say they do like it. I felt depressed almost my entire pregnancy. I was thrilled to be having a baby but couldn’t stop feeling unhappy. I wished I had talked to someone about it, but I felt guilty. Everyone was always so excited for me and asking me questions about everything, and I just had to act happy all the time. Yes I whined, but that’s to be expected. Don’t ever be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel, there is no shame in it.

The journey continued

Where was I? Right, basically whining about how miserable I was when I was pregnant. I think the worst thing of all, was how lonely I felt. I stopped getting invited out because I couldn’t drink. When you work in a bar and all your coworkers are your friends, not drinking is a pretty big deal. Also 5 months into my pregnancy I moved in with my boyfriend. Which would have been great but I left the city I lived in for 30 years. Now, it wasn’t far away at all, just across a bridge, but I had no friends downtown. On top of that, my boyfriend is a chef. If you’ve ever dated a chef you understand how that feels, if not, it’s hard. He works crazy long hours and usually more then 5 days a week. I knew he was working hard to save money and be able to provide for our growing family, but it sucked. I had never felt so lonely in my life. Of course my crazy hormones didn’t help the situation. 

Eventually, I was done working. Two weeks before my due date. We were in the middle of moving so I wanted enough time to unpack, get things organized and relax. I called my time off ‘vacation’. We had just moved into a new apartment that had an outdoor pool and big bbq area. I was excited for 2 weeks of relaxing and trying to finally get a tan. I also figured I would probably be late, as most people told me your first baby is late. Well that was not true in my case. The 1 week I was off, yes I only got a week, I started to notice changes in my body which lead me to believe she might be early. I also thought, just because I assumed that she would be early, most likely she would actually be late knowing my luck. Still I made some plans just in case. We hadn’t had our maternity photos yet, a last date night etc. On the day before she was born I had a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time come out and visit me. Told she better come ASAP because I had a feeling. Later that day after she had left, my boyfriend and I had our maternity photos taken. While we were doing them I said we should go out for dinner that night, he didn’t have any other nights off that week and we needed a last date night. So we went to the keg and I ate 2 pounds of lobster, yes 2 pounds. Add that to the list of things that could possibly make you go into labour. Much later that night(230am) we were watching the bachelorette, my favourite show and my contractions started….

The long journey to motherhood

As I write this, I have my beautiful 3 month old daughter in my lap. Being her mother has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I love her more then I ever thought I could love another human. That being said, the journey to get here wasn’t easy. I can, without a doubt, admit that my pregnancy and birth stories are a lot more enjoyable then most. That doesn’t mean I enjoyed it, I whined the whole time. I was always so jealous of those pregnant woman who say “I feel and look my best during pregnancy”. Like are they for real? If this is true, then I am, sincerely happy(and yes jealous) of these woman. I hated being pregnant. The whole time I was extremely exhausted, never got that  so called 2nd trimester, boost of energy. It could have something to do with working full time as a bartender, up until a week before I gave birth. Even on my days off I would have no problem staying in bed all day. I was extremely emotional. I wasn’t an overly emotional person before pregnancy, but boy did that change. I can’t even count the amount of times I cried, mostly when fighting with my poor boyfriend. I’m so happy he managed to put up with me. I felt nauseous almost everyday. My morning sickness wasn’t so bad, I was lucky there. I had sciatica, which I didn’t even know was a symptom of pregnancy. I had awful baby brain, people who want to argue that’s not real, clearly have never been pregnant. I would walk from one end of the bar to the next, and by the time I got there, forgot what I was about to do. I was so paranoid about something bad happening to my baby the entire time. It was awful, once I started feeling her move I calmed down a bit. That was until there was days I was convinced I hadn’t felt her all day, and would end up in the bathroom at work crying. I had insomnia at night. I usually took a nap when I got home from work(probably why I couldn’t sleep) but even if that wasn’t the case, many nights I wouldn’t sleep at all. I would get headaches almost everyday, which I was somewhat use too. I got headaches often before I was pregnant, but they have always been really bad. So dealing with being pregnant, and my awful headaches all the time was the worst. Cue my baby waking up…to be continued. 

 

Finally trying

I have always wanted to write and have my own blog. I’m not sure if my life would be interesting to anyone else, but why not find out.

Currently I am 6.5 months pregnant with my first child(a girl), living downtown with my boyfriend. It took me 30 years but I finally got what I’ve always wanted. Almost everything.

I am currently a bartender, which I love, but after maternity leave is over I have no idea what to do.  I hate that I’ve been so unmotivated and lazy over the years that at 30 I still don’t know what I want to do. Should I bartend after and try to move up as manager in a restaurant? Try to write? I have a love for craft beer, so should I try to find a job with that? Or maybe have my own in home daycare so I don’t have to send my child to one.

This is my daily internal struggle. I don’t ever want my boyfriend to think he’s the sole provider or that he has to be for our family. I feel so bad that he sees so much potential in me and I do nothing about it. I have approximately a year to figure this all out and it may seem like a lot of time, but for me it’s like a ticking time bomb.

I want to do well in life for my family and myself. I don’t want us to have to struggle or worry like my mom did. She did an amazing job but I want to give my child everything.

How do I change who I am? I feel lazy and unmotivated but I do work hard and I’m doing everything I can now to make sure when I’m on maternity leave we don’t have to worry. For me it’s not enough, I want more for myself  and the potential my boyfriend sees in me but I can’t seem to find it.