Let’s call this…6 days into the terrible twos 

Wow.

 No really, wow. At the end of my day with my recently 2 year old daughter, I opened the spout on my box wine, and poured it in my mouth. No joke. It’s on Instagram if no one believes me. I’m not entirely sure if the day was even that bad, but boy did it get to me. My daughter Aria may just in fact have a hearing deficit. She may not hear me when I say no. She may not hear me when I say don’t spit your food on the floor, or on me. She may not even here when I tell her to stop sitting on my head. How comfortable could that actually be? So maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on her. Possibly I shouldn’t have rage popped all her birthday balloons. So maybe I should just take her for a checkup, on my way to the boat. The boat being a cruise ship, which I will go on, alone. I always think I don’t need any alone time, but I think, no I know I’m wrong. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter goes to bed at 730 every night. So I get plenty of alone time while my husband is at work. Sitting at home watching the same show on tv, or some crappy movie while eating my weight in junk food is not cutting it anymore. I have recently found a few options for babysitters, so please tell me what you do to unwind or rejuvenate. While you think about that, enjoy this snaps from my day 😊. 

 #momlife #mommyproblems #toddlerlife 

The big day

  At 2:30am on July 7 my contractions started. For awhile I wasn’t exactly sure that’s what was happening. Being my first time and all I was lost. I started getting lower back pain that was more painful then usual. I had done a lot of walking and sitting in an uncomfortable position that day, so I thought maybe it’s just a normal back ache. My contractions were also so sparatic that I didn’t think it could be labour. My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital, but at the point it wasn’t too bad yet, and I had to finish watching the bachelorette. By about 8am I knew I was without a doubt having contractions and was ready for some pain meds. We went to the hospital and hours later, literally, I finally got some morphine. After hours of trying laughing gas, which for me did absolutely nothing. I was examined and only 2cm dilated and sent home. They told me to come back in 4 hours, that’s how long it would take for the morphine to wear off. Well, in my case that was not true. It lasted about an hour before I was at home screaming in pain with my contractions now a minute apart. My sister thank god was by side holding my hand. She told my mom and boyfriend that I wanted to go back to the hospital. They figured this was probably normal, but called the doctor to check. Well he didn’t call back soon enough for me. I knew it was not normal, especially when I could actually feel her head. So we went back to the hospital and sure enough I was 10cm dilated and ready to go. Which meant no drugs… I was horrified by this, I even asked for a c-section. Which of course they basically laughed at me for. I was terrified to push without an epidural, so was my family. I have an incredibly low pain tolerance, which usually leads me to fainting from pain I can’t handle. I was sure I would faint while pushing. The only thing I could think about was, the faster I do this, the faster the pain will be over. About half an hour of pushing later(yes I know I’m lucky) my beautiful daughter was finally here. The love I immediately felt for her was something I didn’t know existed. Now that being said, yes I would do it all over again to have her, but I would not do it again. I am quite happy and content just having one baby.

  Now you may wonder why I would write this, like why should anyone be interested in my life. I wrote it because I believe mothers should be able to openly talk about the not so great parts of becoming a mother. I don’t feel ashamed to say I hated being pregnant or that I hated labour, but can anyone actually say they do like it. I felt depressed almost my entire pregnancy. I was thrilled to be having a baby but couldn’t stop feeling unhappy. I wished I had talked to someone about it, but I felt guilty. Everyone was always so excited for me and asking me questions about everything, and I just had to act happy all the time. Yes I whined, but that’s to be expected. Don’t ever be afraid to tell someone how you truly feel, there is no shame in it. 

The journey continued

Where was I? Right, basically whining about how miserable I was when I was pregnant. I think the worst thing of all, was how lonely I felt. I stopped getting invited out because I couldn’t drink. When you work in a bar and all your coworkers are your friends, not drinking is a pretty big deal. Also 5 months into my pregnancy I moved in with my boyfriend. Which would have been great but I left the city I lived in for 30 years. Now, it wasn’t far away at all, just across a bridge, but I had no friends downtown. On top of that, my boyfriend is a chef. If you’ve ever dated a chef you understand how that feels, if not, it’s hard. He works crazy long hours and usually more then 5 days a week. I knew he was working hard to save money and be able to provide for our growing family, but it sucked. I had never felt so lonely in my life. Of course my crazy hormones didn’t help the situation. 

Eventually, I was done working. Two weeks before my due date. We were in the middle of moving so I wanted enough time to unpack, get things organized and relax. I called my time off ‘vacation’. We had just moved into a new apartment that had an outdoor pool and big bbq area. I was excited for 2 weeks of relaxing and trying to finally get a tan. I also figured I would probably be late, as most people told me your first baby is late. Well that was not true in my case. The 1 week I was off, yes I only got a week, I started to notice changes in my body which lead me to believe she might be early. I also thought, just because I assumed that she would be early, most likely she would actually be late knowing my luck. Still I made some plans just in case. We hadn’t had our maternity photos yet, a last date night etc. On the day before she was born I had a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time come out and visit me. Told she better come ASAP because I had a feeling. Later that day after she had left, my boyfriend and I had our maternity photos taken. While we were doing them I said we should go out for dinner that night, he didn’t have any other nights off that week and we needed a last date night. So we went to the keg and I ate 2 pounds of lobster, yes 2 pounds. Add that to the list of things that could possibly make you go into labour. Much later that night(230am) we were watching the bachelorette, my favourite show and my contractions started….

The long journey to motherhood

As I write this, I have my beautiful 3 month old daughter in my lap. Being her mother has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I love her more then I ever thought I could love another human. That being said, the journey to get here wasn’t easy. I can, without a doubt, admit that my pregnancy and birth stories are a lot more enjoyable then most. That doesn’t mean I enjoyed it, I whined the whole time. I was always so jealous of those pregnant woman who say “I feel and look my best during pregnancy”. Like are they for real? If this is true, then I am, sincerely happy(and yes jealous) of these woman. I hated being pregnant. The whole time I was extremely exhausted, never got that  so called 2nd trimester, boost of energy. It could have something to do with working full time as a bartender, up until a week before I gave birth. Even on my days off I would have no problem staying in bed all day. I was extremely emotional. I wasn’t an overly emotional person before pregnancy, but boy did that change. I can’t even count the amount of times I cried, mostly when fighting with my poor boyfriend. I’m so happy he managed to put up with me. I felt nauseous almost everyday. My morning sickness wasn’t so bad, I was lucky there. I had sciatica, which I didn’t even know was a symptom of pregnancy. I had awful baby brain, people who want to argue that’s not real, clearly have never been pregnant. I would walk from one end of the bar to the next, and by the time I got there, forgot what I was about to do. I was so paranoid about something bad happening to my baby the entire time. It was awful, once I started feeling her move I calmed down a bit. That was until there was days I was convinced I hadn’t felt her all day, and would end up in the bathroom at work crying. I had insomnia at night. I usually took a nap when I got home from work(probably why I couldn’t sleep) but even if that wasn’t the case, many nights I wouldn’t sleep at all. I would get headaches almost everyday, which I was somewhat use too. I got headaches often before I was pregnant, but they have always been really bad. So dealing with being pregnant, and my awful headaches all the time was the worst. Cue my baby waking up…to be continued. 

 

Finally trying

I have always wanted to write and have my own blog. I’m not sure if my life would be interesting to anyone else, but why not find out.

Currently I am 6.5 months pregnant with my first child(a girl), living downtown with my boyfriend. It took me 30 years but I finally got what I’ve always wanted. Almost everything.

I am currently a bartender, which I love, but after maternity leave is over I have no idea what to do.  I hate that I’ve been so unmotivated and lazy over the years that at 30 I still don’t know what I want to do. Should I bartend after and try to move up as manager in a restaurant? Try to write? I have a love for craft beer, so should I try to find a job with that? Or maybe have my own in home daycare so I don’t have to send my child to one. 

This is my daily internal struggle. I don’t ever want my boyfriend to think he’s the sole provider or that he has to be for our family. I feel so bad that he sees so much potential in me and I do nothing about it. I have approximately a year to figure this all out and it may seem like a lot of time, but for me it’s like a ticking time bomb. 

I want to do well in life for my family and myself. I don’t want us to have to struggle or worry like my mom did. She did an amazing job but I want to give my child everything. 

How do I change who I am? I feel lazy and unmotivated but I do work hard and I’m doing everything I can now to make sure when I’m on maternity leave we don’t have to worry. For me it’s not enough, I want more for myself  and the potential my boyfriend sees in me but I can’t seem to find it.